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Saturday, July 10, 2010

True Colors

One of the worst experiences in life is discovering that the people you have known your whole life, who claim to be friends or family are not who they say they are. Obviously I am not saying your Dad is going to confess that he leads a double life as a drag queen or that your best friend is pulling a Mission Impossible as a career when this whole time you thought she was a nurse...
I am referring to the revelation of those who are closest to you not really caring about you, or they have lied to you or say one thing to you and something else to another or have hidden agendas or have been taking advantage of you and you finally just clued in...can I just say that it sucks.
So...when their true colors are revealed...and you find out something along these lines and you begin to question every conversation or interaction you had with them and then you begin to analyze how long the charade has been going on for...it starts to get you worked up. Well I am there right now. The shitty part is, its not just with one person! Here it is...a friend who has claimed to have been my friend since I started university...all of a sudden has gone from being just that, to someone that I constantly have conflicts with to the point where I have basically told him that I am done with his lack of respect. The second person is my mother...the one person in the whole world that you are supposed to be able to entrust with everything you have...I could write a book on her and the last straw was just recently when she completely interfered in my business and then lied to me about it...not that its the first time she has lied to me mind you, but that's obviously the problem...who can you trust if you can't trust your own mother right? My Grandmother and no not my mothers mom...switching from maternal to paternal side now...its more subconscious here and I don't think she realizes what she is actually projecting through her actions as compared to what she says...she may be workable...none the less it still hurts...
I feel like I am in this phase where God is trying to clean out the garbage in my life. You know when you clean the house you don't just clean your bedroom..whats the point? Yes, it may end up being less work but then to just do one room at a time takes forever... so you just clean everything- if your going to do something you may as well do it right and thoroughly the first time and avoid repetition...well God has decided to instead of reveal one person...reveal everything...a bit overwhelming...
So in all truthfulness I am feeling pretty hurt and lost at the moment...waiting for some sort of direction...not knowing who to trust- wait let me rephrase this...deciding not to trust anyone for awhile...
True Colors...they stand out.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Swept Away

Looking back as I walk away from everything I thought I knew,
Your eyes have turned into a bottomless well, to which there is no end to the darkness and I can't swim through...
I know I said forever but it turned out to be too long- I waited by the sea, the undertow swept me away to a place of open desert sea, emptiness...
I struggled to cling to something that would enable me to pull myself in the opposite direction.
My love for you is unshakable
Immovable, Unchanging
and will always remain.
But I may lose myself or what is left of this woman I once knew-
to an illusion....god it looked so right
I have left my heart behind for you,
do with it as you wish for I can't carry it with me
knowing we will never be.
Deeply entwined in an unforgiving maze of what if, never and maybe...
I struggle to find my reflection
am I still here?
I will spend the remainder of forever putting together the tiniest splinters of my shattered image...just to find her one more time.

Distorted but here I am
ready to walk into the depths of the sea and
accept what is and what can never be.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

I Have A Problem...

Have you ever been in one of those situations where your hesitant to speak up about something important that is really upsetting you, or being imposed on you? I hate this stuff...I feel awkward not just because of the subject of my discontentment but overall the fact that I even have to bring it to light because it really shouldn't even be an issue...plus its not just some random person that I have the problem with...its someone I have known for a long time.

Its like you drop hints in your actions and comments...you try to lead by example, until literally its the only thing you find yourself wanting to discuss!!
For some reason you continue to put it off and of course it just begins to piss you off, and the silence doesn't help even though you think the silence should be taken as yet another hint of your agitation...and the revolving door continues because you just don't have the guts to say something...why am I like this?!
Why can't I just say what it is I want to say...? Its not like I don't have the right to say it...and I do. I have grounds to be upset right now and irritated and fed up and not wanting to live a certain way because its just not the way I live...and yet here I swallowing and settling and keeping my mouth shut for fear of hurting someone else and their feelings...this is what I mean by I have an issue with putting myself first instead of others ALL THE TIME.
If anyone has suggestions on how to change this annoying practice of mine...please feel free to comment...Urgh!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Positivity

You become what you think
What ever your mouth proclaims
Will be.
If you seek you will always find-
I have learned over the years that
Worrying takes years away from your life
It leads to mental stress
Leading to bodily ailments
We are our own worst enemy my dad
has always said.
I understand that now...it's all in my mind
Even the sky has no limit
nothing is unattainable
unreachable.
I want it all-
I want to give my all
to the world.
I know I am meant for something bigger
than...
I will keep positive
and I will stop my mind from taking over me
dream of nothing but the best
I am
Positively
Positivity...

Thursday, June 3, 2010

We are...

We are alive,
yet inside most of us are dead.
We are destructive,
when we could be creating.
We are able to be present,
and yet constantly engrossed in pain.
We are senseless,
with the ability to be wise.
We are understanding,
but then so quick to judge.
We are resistant to change,
instead of embracing it as an opportunity to grow.
We are compassionate,
and then turn a blind eye and become selfish.
We are choosing to be blind,
when we can choose a clear path in the light.
We are miracles everyday because any day
could be our last,
and we still commit suicide.
We are living in fear,
rather than trusting in life.
We are loving,
but we love possessively instead of unconditionally.
We are caged birds,
but proclaim to fly free.
We are able to stand up,
yet not alone.
Ultimately-
We are
Who we are...

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Nothing Ever Really Ends...

With every sunset comes a sunrise-I am beginning to see a horizon, brighter then I had imagined it could be for myself. However, my thoughts trail to the fading sun that used to light my world, and my heart cries and my mind screams as it sinks further beyond my reach...
My instincts tell me to grab hold to it, try to save what is left-just one ray of light to carry with me to have and hold, to cherish, to remind me...I can't let go for the brief moment I know when darkness will come and cast its shadow over my world...

But if I can live in this moment, trust that the darkness will dissolve if I remain here, present and trusting- a new sun always rises and I am no longer meant to be alone...unable to see- I have always had me.
The reason to reach for something that is no longer there ceases to exist anymore...
I know now that trust is the absence of fear and I am no longer misguided by the illusion, eyes closed and unaware...rather now my own compass will take me home.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Fear

What could I not write about this word...fear...

Fear is only in our minds, taking over all the time. Fear is nothing more than a sickness...a terminal illness that has become a plague. Fear will infect the souls and minds of those who will engage it. People have become fear itself.
I do my best to not fear anything for it is a mind-killer, a little death that brings total destruction to those in its path. Everyday I try to face any fear I have and permit it to pass over and through me...

When it has passed I will turn my inner eye to see its path. Where my fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain...