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Saturday, July 10, 2010

True Colors

One of the worst experiences in life is discovering that the people you have known your whole life, who claim to be friends or family are not who they say they are. Obviously I am not saying your Dad is going to confess that he leads a double life as a drag queen or that your best friend is pulling a Mission Impossible as a career when this whole time you thought she was a nurse...
I am referring to the revelation of those who are closest to you not really caring about you, or they have lied to you or say one thing to you and something else to another or have hidden agendas or have been taking advantage of you and you finally just clued in...can I just say that it sucks.
So...when their true colors are revealed...and you find out something along these lines and you begin to question every conversation or interaction you had with them and then you begin to analyze how long the charade has been going on for...it starts to get you worked up. Well I am there right now. The shitty part is, its not just with one person! Here it is...a friend who has claimed to have been my friend since I started university...all of a sudden has gone from being just that, to someone that I constantly have conflicts with to the point where I have basically told him that I am done with his lack of respect. The second person is my mother...the one person in the whole world that you are supposed to be able to entrust with everything you have...I could write a book on her and the last straw was just recently when she completely interfered in my business and then lied to me about it...not that its the first time she has lied to me mind you, but that's obviously the problem...who can you trust if you can't trust your own mother right? My Grandmother and no not my mothers mom...switching from maternal to paternal side now...its more subconscious here and I don't think she realizes what she is actually projecting through her actions as compared to what she says...she may be workable...none the less it still hurts...
I feel like I am in this phase where God is trying to clean out the garbage in my life. You know when you clean the house you don't just clean your bedroom..whats the point? Yes, it may end up being less work but then to just do one room at a time takes forever... so you just clean everything- if your going to do something you may as well do it right and thoroughly the first time and avoid repetition...well God has decided to instead of reveal one person...reveal everything...a bit overwhelming...
So in all truthfulness I am feeling pretty hurt and lost at the moment...waiting for some sort of direction...not knowing who to trust- wait let me rephrase this...deciding not to trust anyone for awhile...
True Colors...they stand out.

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